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Blogging Animosity

03.21.06 (4:27 am) [edit]

Wow, so after months of not blogging, I see that I have quite a few annonymous comments that are filled with some hostility. I've been called fat and ugly and stupid. I've had complaints about what I write, but the cool thing about having your own blog, is that you can write whatever you want. If you think I'm boring and stupid then don't waste your time on me. Do yourself the favor and do something that is worth your time. I don't write these blogs for anyone really. I just write. I personally don't understand the joy one gets from leaving comments to someone they don't know. A little agression that is displaced maybe, but I don't go around disrespecting other people on their blogs, but maybe that's just me. WHATEVER.

Falling

10.21.05 (12:35 am) [edit]

I think I'm totally falling for Chris. I'm so scared.

Almost My Birthday...

09.29.05 (4:58 pm) [edit]

Wow haven't blogged in forever...gotta get rid of that banner, because really I'm over it...for good. I think I'll blog more later, but just a quick run down. Things with Tobi progressed and are right now non-existant. Things with Bryan never quite happened mostly because he never saw me..and now...now there are two...and I don't know who to choose...

Almost My Birthday...

09.29.05 (4:55 pm) [edit]

Happy Birthday to...uh ME!

10.02.04 (6:42 pm) [edit]

So it is my 20th birthday today. I have never felt so old before...haha. Last night I went out with some friends and we went to some KARAOKE place, which was fun. Man, I sat there and I was like oh jeez I'm 20. I'm officially in my twenties. Well they say it should be the funnest times of my life. HOPEFULLY!

I am officially in love with Bryan, haha not really, but I did love that he called me Thursday. Bummed that we didn't really get to talk because I was at my voice lesson and he was gonna go to bed, so I couldn't call him back. I really really loved that he remembered my birthday and he text me this morning, and he was the first person to send me a birthday text. Yeah I heart him...LOTS!

Flaker, flaker, FLAKER! So as we know Andrew flaked on me on Friday, and we were going to try it out again on Wednesday, but of course it didn't work out. He was too tired from work and whatever and then we were going to try Thursday, but he couldn't go out after his game. WHATEVER! How does he expect me to take him seriously? Then there is someone else who shall remain nameless for now. He wanted to meet up and hang out because he wanted to see me for my birthday, we had decided to go to the park so we could talk. He wanted to meet up like two hours later and he was supposed to call me, but he never called me. Flaked on yet again. Bryan is right, we are just the toy in the cereal box.

Then there is Daniel. Oh what to say about him. He's my hottie friend that I heart so much because he makes me laugh and we always have something to talk about. Lately the flirtation factor is up way high. He even got me to do things that I would never do, but did because of him. Haha, he challenges me. Well the other day he mentioned that he thought that I looked sexy in some picture that he saw of me. I didn't think much of it since it was a picture and it's not like he said "you're sexy." Then the next night he used the term sexy like five more times, and he said something about getting him hot. HAHAHA, but I don't where that's going. I mean he does seem to kinda be jealous of Andrew and he doesn't get why I put up with him. He's told me on more than one occasion that I need a real MAN. Haha, okay granted a few years older than me, but does he mean a man in general, a man like him, or a man, meaning HIM? Haha...hmmm what do you think?

BAD MOOD!

09.20.04 (12:51 pm) [edit]

:evil: That is me very mad. I'm in a bad mood today. People are pissing me off left and right. Starting with Tricia and how she's always with that fucker Chris. Chris is just a little bitch. He's so sad and pathetic. GROSS! Then there's Andrew who was like totally cool and all of a sudden becamse TFC for me. I'm older than him, so I'm trying not to let this little boy bother me, but for some reason it is. I think he has too much power, and now I have to regain that power. I don't want to go to work in fear that I will be a mega bitch!

He called!!

09.16.04 (4:05 am) [edit]

He called me! He called me! He called me! It was so nice to hear his voice. It was so nice to talk to him. It was the best. He makes me feel so good. Aww I heart him!

Makeout On The Beach

09.11.04 (8:47 am) [edit]

I will never makeout on the beach ever again!! I hardly ever makeout and I've never maceout on the beach..and I tell you now...I won't make out on the beach anymore. I had the craziest night...and my mom is super pissed at me. Not that she knows what happened on the beach...well at least I hope she doesn't know what happened on the beach. :oops:

More details later...I must go get a new cell phone :cry:

Absolutely Amazing.

09.04.04 (1:15 pm) [edit]

I had the most amazing night of my life last night..and I think what makes it most amazing is...NOTHING HAPPENED. I was with Bryan the whole night...it was great. I shall go into detail later. Maybe post a few pics.

Ehh..today is ehh..

08.23.04 (3:29 pm) [edit]

So I went to school today...had to park far..as expected...Ummm....I only had one class..and of course it was human biology...and of course who happens to be in my class...oh yes..the love of my life..Bobby. Normally this would be a good thing but he was acting like such a bitch. I didn't sit next to him..I sat next to CJ. Ugh..whatever.

Now...I'm waiting on Bryan...who I think is going to stand me up. What a downer today is...

So Not Ready..

08.23.04 (1:25 am) [edit]

Well..that pertains to two things.

The first is school. I'm so not ready to go to school. I totally feel like I had no summer, partially because of summer school, partially because I wasn't here, partially cause of the stress..and of course WORK.

The second of course is Bryan. We're going to build his mom a bear tomorrow. I'm so freaked out, but I think he's seeing someone already. Damn that boy moves fast...anyway...yeah so the reason I think this is because his marital status on his profile is "I think you are my lover" what the fuck is that supposed to mean? I mean I used to call him my lover, but I don't think he's talking about me. So confused, and so now I have to go see him, knowing he likes someone..that is NOT me....and it's going to be weird. Oh well..at least we're friends.

TODAY

08.21.04 (7:50 am) [edit]

Crap..he comes home today..toFUCKINGday....and I don't feel ready for that. I went to sleep early, woke up in the middle of the night and started freaking out about him. It's just not going to work. I'm freaking out too much. I know he'd be like why are you trippin...but I can't help it. I like him, and I know we're going to hang out and it's going to be friendship, which is fine, but for once this year...someone made me smile..laugh...gave me a reason to wake up...and that was him. Aww..hell...thinking way the fuck too much.

2 More Days

08.19.04 (1:53 am) [edit]

My babes comes home in two days..and I'm quite frightened. My schedule for work sucks, so who knows how that's gonna work out. I'm just not expecting anything, but yeah. Oh who knows anymore...I sure don't.

ARGH!

08.16.04 (5:01 pm) [edit]

I tried to post on this thing twice but everytime I'd add a smiley it would wipe my whole entry, so by now I've lost all of my anger and bitterness. I thought the anger and the bitterness was quite interesting...but oh well. :o

So as I was saying..I'm not liking boys...they make me mad, or at least they had been making me mad. Let's recap, shall we?

Thursday night I was having a quite peaceful time and I was on the phone with Tricia. Well all of a sudden that James fucker IMs me and wants me to hang out. I tell him I can't and it turns into this full out fight online. I hate that guy I swear, it's funny that he's the guy that I was talking about when I first started this blog. What a fucking loser. He pissed me off so much, and I even called him a bitch, and I have never called a person I was talking to a bitch. I swear if I see him at the mall or on the street or somewhere I'm going to run over to him take off my shoe and beat him until he cries like the little emo bitch that he is.

Then there's Mandoe, doesn't he get...the two of us will never hook up. That's just the way it is. I'm never gonna have sex with him. I refuse to. We are good friends and to have sex with him would be complicated but I told him never and he like tripped and got mad. OH WELL.

I tried to finally confide all my feelings to John, but he was treating my problems like the little high school bullshit that he thought they were. Little does he know the pain that I really hold in my heart. He has no idea who I am and who I have become. He says he's trying, but I don't think so. The only thing he takes interest in is himself and his girlfriend. Oh well...so much for having a great friendship.

Then there was Bryan. I was being irrational and girly and kinda upset cause he didn't call me when he got off post like he always does. Then when he responded to the text I sent him, he didn't even ask me how I was. It bothered me...but we did have a great convo online yesterday and today he told me that he missed me and he can't wait to get home because we're going to have so much fun. SIGH. Aww..man this guy.

I'm So Done...

08.14.04 (11:30 am) [edit]

I Tried...

08.05.04 (12:35 am) [edit]

Well, I went to a family meeting for my brother. It was weird because I didn't want to believe that this could actually be my life. It wasn't a full force meeting, but it still hit home that this was my life and no one even knows who I really am. I don't know if I even know. I cried three times in an expanse of two hours. This is so hard. What seemed so major just a couple weeks ago is so insignificant. One of the program leaders, Theresa knew that I was upset because my family didn't even tell me what was going on while I was gone. I understand their intentions, but it hurt. It felt like they were keeping a secret from me. I had no idea what I was coming home to. I would have liked to know. It's funny because no one really bothered to tell me what happened. I don't even know the full expanse of the story. I have to put the piees together from what I hear and what I see. Even just the family meetings. My family went and they know everyone. I don't know anyone at this thing and they expect me to jump right in like I can just do that. My dad told me that during the first meeting they went to everyone cried. Well I will never know that and I will never fully understand. There is just so much pain in me right now. A pain no one will understand, a pain I will not share.

Talking or TALKING?

07.30.04 (5:34 pm) [edit]

I've been trying to figure it out. When it comes to Bryan...are we [i]talking[/i] or is it just talking? Bryan and I were always friends, but now, it feels different. I used to be able to tell him everything, and now...not so much. I just don't want to make any mistakes with him. I used to tell him about my mistakes and the times when I'd run off with the ex-boyfriend, even when I was kinda seeing Mike. So now that the ex-boyfriend keeps appearing, and as much unfinished business as there is with the two of us, I'm scared to mention it to Bryan. Usually Bryan would be the first person I would tell, and now I'm scared to tell him, especially if we are talking.

And ahh..he just IM'd me..and he called me babe. He's so sweet and I don't want to mess things up. He's a great guy, and part of me thinks that it would be better if we stayed friends and only friends because I don't think I could bear to lose him. Then again since the moment we first started talking there was always an underlying flirtation that was never able to develop because there always someone...someone for me or him..and now we're both unattached..and now I'm so confused.

He had me call his mom because he didn't have any reception, and it was so weird. I knew from just the sound of her voice how nice and cool she was. How she's so much like him.

Here's what other say:

Ken says that "then he might be feeling you"
Mandoe says "just ask him"
Cory says "then..you're talking"
Tricia says "well if you haven't said you're officially talking...then go out with jason...ahh i hate that term [i]talking[/i].

Aww...so conflicted.

Already Back At Work

07.27.04 (1:53 am) [edit]

I'm already back at work and I feel like I've missed so much. I got to work with Gloria today, so that was fun, actually both Glorias. Gloria A and I talked forever after work. We were catching each other up on our escapades. She told me about Martin and I told her about Bryan.

Speaking of Bryan, I talked to him on Saturday for a couple hours. We had a nice little talk. I'm not sure where this is all going, but I don't even know if I want to know. I haven't heard from him since then though, which makes me kinda weary. I sent him a text when I got home from work, but didn't get a reply today. OH WELL. Maybe we're slipping back into not talking. But as I was watching [i]A Cinderella Story[/i] it did remind me of him, since there was a lot of text messaging and IMing going on.

I figure I must really like this Bryan guy because on Saturday I was talking to the ex-boyfriend. I could tell he was kind of hinting to wanting to hang out and I was kind of too, but then all of a sudden I felt guilty. I really shouldn't feel guilty, but the realization that if I do hang out with Jason, there's a large possibility that we'll end up hooking up, got me doubting myself. I tried to figure it all out. Would I tell Bryan? Would I not tell him? Would I just mention we hung out? But I didn't have to deal with it since Bryan called and I just stopped talking to Jason.

Sleep..now..must.

Back From NY: Met Matt Damon

07.23.04 (11:16 pm) [edit]

I'm back from the East Coast and I really am happy to be here. I knew it...I just knew there would be some drama while I was gone. When I mean drama, I mean stuff with Liz and me. It got pretty damn ugly. We were like yelling at each other in hushed tones...well it was 3 in the morning NJ time. I refuse to put myself through that ever again. It's hard trying to vacation with someone who thinks she's a princess. She grew up thinking she was a princess and thinks that the world should treat her accordingly. SICK!!

I got to see all the touristy cool stuff, so that was fun, and we also headed to DC to see all that stuff over there. And in between all the commotion, I got to talk to Bryan twice on the phone. He sent me texts almost every day. The day Liz and I got in the fight he called me, and then as I was crying and wanting to go home, all I could think about was I want to talk to Bryan, so I finally called him and we talked. We talked for about an hour, and it was almost four in the morning before we hung up. He did make me feel better though and I'm so greatful that I have him in my life, even if he is so far away. He's what makes the days more exciting. He called me the day before I left for home, but I was at a show. Then he called me when I was on my way home, and he left me messages. I wish I could talk to him. He graduated on Wednesday at the top of his class, so I'm super proud of him. But now he has a different schedule and well it makes it hard to find a time to talk. This three hour difference kills me.

Now the highlight of my trip was the last day in the city. But before that, on Thursday, the two of us went to see RENT, starring SCARY SPICE from the Spice Girls. She was [b]Mimi[/b]. Jai Rodriguez from Queer Eye For the Straight Guy was [b]Angel[/b]. Frenchie Davis from season 2 of American Idol was also in it. It was one of the best casts I've ever seen. The [b]Mark [/b]and [b]Collins [/b]ROCKED. I was never a big [b]Mark [/b]fan, but he was totally awesome. He made the show for me. [b]Collins [/b]had a BEAAAAAAAAAUTIFUL VOICE!! I can't get over how wonderful he was. Jai was a funny [b]Angel [/b]and he is oh so talented. The Maureen was also really good, and I know that it was an understudy. Okay, now onto Wednesday. We headed over to Times Square and on a whim we decided to stay in the standby line for TRL, well we actually got in because the girls in front of us had no ID. We met MATT DAMON and HALLE BERRY! He had a nice firm hand shake. Then after we went over to get tickets for a show, and the ones that Liz wanted to see were unavailable, and she didn't want to see Aida, but I did. We ended up with tickets for that show and it was awesome. It had Deborah Cox and she's just wonderful. PLUS...to make things TEN TIMES a MILLION TIMES BETTER...[b]Radames [/b]was played by none other than ADAM PASCAL...the ORIGINAL [b]Radames [/b]and the ORIGINAL [b]Roger [/b]from RENT. He made it so worth it. I love Adam Pascal. He is a FREAKING GOD! After the show we happened to pick the right door because we were right by the stage door. Met Deborah Cox and some other cast members, but no Adam. He wasn't signing that night. Oh well...maybe some other time...

Now I am back to deal with the shit that my brother has brought upon our family while I was gone. I was so happy to be going home, but now that he's FUCKED everything up, I'm not sure anymore. He's a selfish bastard. He tends to ruin things for me. Even this fucking blog, he had pulled out the phone line while I was away and I had yet to finish this..so all this shit was gone. Thank God I had pressed CTRL + C. My mom said I could get my truck in two years, which I was not really willing to wait for, but figured if I came up with some money from work, I'd maybe get it by the beginning of next year, but even if I bust my ass off, there's no way my mom can help me get this fucking truck. It'll be another five years before I get a new car, which isn't fair because I've had my car for four years and have been driving it like it's mine since last year. When my brothers started driving they got a new car within a year. My parents have helped them out with at least three cars. I love my car, but I want my truck. Like I said, another fucking five years, unless I get a new job that pays me enough to handle my own shit. And it's all thanks to my brother who fucks up his life and in turn fucks up my family and of course fucks things up for me. I know I sound like a brat, but if you only knew...

Disappointed

07.08.04 (11:28 am) [edit]

I'm a little disappointed. No call. No text. Maybe he's mad at me because he wanted me to call him. Or maybe he's just busy. Or maybe he's talking to someone else. ::sigh::

Texts and Voice Mail

07.07.04 (12:45 am) [edit]

How can a text message make someone so happy?
How can a simple message make everything right?
How can a quick message on your voice mail make you feel a thousand butterflies in your stomach?
I'm not sure, all I know is that it does.
Maybe it's just because it's Bryan. :D :wink:

High School Memories, The Hottest Man In Daytime Television, and The BEST Conversation I've Had

07.06.04 (1:02 am) [edit]

Well, on Saturday I had tried to post, but something happened and it got wiped away. So on Friday I had a rollercoaster of emotions at work.

[b]THE SAD[/b]
I saw this girl that I went to high school with. I never really talked to her because she was too cool. Well, our senior year she had a really bad car accident, and she spent part of senior year in a coma. She was able to graduate with us, but she was in a wheelchair. Well, she came into my store and it was so sad to see how different she way. She wasn't the same and I know she never will. Still in a wheelchair, trouble with the use of her arms, and trouble speaking. Her face even looked different. I was so overcome with emotion as I spoke to her. I saw how she humbled since before her accident. I saw how although she is living a struggle, she is living as normal as she possibly can. I did cry.

[b]THE GOOD[/b]
So before I saw this girl something good happened to me. I was in dress me..and two other girls I work with were staring at something and I wasn't sure what it was, probably some guy. Usually I'm not all that interested but I looked, and just a few feet away from me...staring in my direction is the HOTTEST MAN IN DAYTIME TELEVISION. At first I just thought he looked familiar and then I was like HOLY SHIT that's Justin Hartley and since he was so tall, when I finally lowered my vision I saw his wife, Lindsay [Korman] Hartley, also a star on the NBC soap Passions. I felt ballsy...so I went up to them and asked them how they were and I ended up helping the little girl they were with (a cousin, I think). Very cool..and he said "Thank you very much" to me and smiled. Ahh..to die for.

[b]The BEST CONVERSATION[/b]
I was going through a crisis yesterday and I sent my friend Bryan a text. He called me and we talked for four hours. This is bad because I'm starting to like him. I kinda always had a little crush on him. Actually getting to talk to him for four hours was so nice. I know so much more about him. It didn't even feel like four hours. He actually made me smile and I was happy. I'm all giddy now. It's weird. I haven't really had a full blown crush in a long time. It's nice, but it's complicated. Even more so because he's in Georgia, but he'll be home for three weeks.

I leave for NJ in ONE WEEK!

At Last

07.02.04 (1:12 am) [edit]

I was never spellbound
By a starry sky
What is there to moonglow
When love has passed you by
Then there came a midnight
And the world was new
Now here am I so spellbound, darling
Not by stars, but just by YOU

AAAAAAAAAAT LAAAAAAAAAAAST
My love has come along...

Okay, that's enough. As you can tell I'm in one of those moods where I wish I was in love and that person was in love with me. Because as we all know, I am in love...but with someone who hasn't quite realized that he loves me back.

Ella sang "At Last" for her final and I was sitting there thinking, I want that. I want to feel like that. Then there comes that whole I want [i]The Notebook[/i] kind of love. My whole thing with Bobby has the potential to be that I suppose, well if we're supposed to be together. Anyway, going back to the song. I was totally lost in the fact that that's how I want to feel.

11 more days.

19 Days

06.24.04 (10:53 pm) [edit]

19 Days left before I go to New York.

So Liz is going but Rita still doesn't have a ticket. Reason is that she told me she couldn't go so the next morning Liz and I purchased tickets after my class. That night Rita called to tell me that she can go. WTF?

Not gonna deal with the drama.

Anyway, I feel EMPTY yet again. I feel like CRAAAAAP.
I feel so hollow.

Just Want To Be On Vacation

06.18.04 (2:09 am) [edit]

Have you ever felt like you just really don't want to be where you are? Well I've felt like that for the past four years with all the drama of my life, Bobby, Mike, James, and the rest of the issues I've dealt with. I've been in serious need of a vacation, and guess what...I get to go on vacation. I'm heading over to the East Coast with a couple of friends. Hmm, well that was a plan, but I think things have taken a turn.

It started off like this:
I asked Liz to go with me to New York.
Liz lags and doesn't ask her dad.
I panic and freak and try to think of other options.
Liz asks her dad and he says yes.
Liz and I discuss the Rita situation.
I end up asking Rita to go with us.
Rita's mom says maybe.
Rita's mom says we'll see.
I ask her to find out that weekend.
NO ANSWER.
Trip is in less than a month, still no definite response.
Still NO TICKETS.
I talk to Liz on the phone and ask her if she's heard anything from Rita, nothing.
I mention that maybe Rita is just scared to ask her mo again.
My brother says "YEAH LIKE SOMEONE" and Liz gets all quiet.
I think Liz is mad at me.
Liz doesn't call me back that day and is real weird online, kinda short.
Liz doesn't call me the next day either.
I call Rita to finally just ask her for her yes or no.
No answer, left a message on the machine, and no call back.
Liz is online, and she doesn't IM me, so I IM her.
Turns out that it's Liz's two sisters birthdays and that was probably why Rita didn't answer the phone, she was invited to Liz's house.
Confirms my suspicions that she's mad at me.

So it comes down to this:
I'll ask Rita tomorrow, and then I'll mention it to Liz.
If neither one of them want to go to anymore and if their mad at me...forget it.
I'll go without them.
At this point...FUUUCK THEM!
I didn't do anything wrong, I was just providing them with a place to stay on vacation. Sorry if I actually want to buy my tickets like a normal person.