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| Missing...IT....THAT |
| 11.20.03 (1:59 am) [edit] |
I'm such a sap. I watched the finale of the bachelor and Bob picked Estella. She was so happy..and I want that. Yeah, I'm a dork, but I want to feel that. Same goes with One Tree Hill last night. When Nathan kissed Haylie in school and when he told her that she makes his heart race, I want to feel the way she's supposed to feel. :P
It's kinda stupid..but that's how I feel. I want what everyone else seems to have. Sara came by today and we watched the bachelor together and I was telling her..I WANT THAT..and she's like yeahh..and I HAVE THAT!! It seems like everyone has THAT...well everyone around me has THAT..or some form of IT.
I talked to Liz and realized that Rita is pretty much long gone. She doesn't need me anymore, but once Steve acts all shady, who is she going to run to? I'm sure she's sitting there on the phone with him talking about me, and how I'm shady and a big whore or something. She's probably talking so much about me, and then I wonder why do I care, if that's the kind of person that she is? Maybe I shouldn't care, well maybe I really don't.
I haven't talked to Tricia either. Losing friends left and right. Then HE accidentally called me and I missed it so I called him back to see what he wanted. He told me how it was a mistake and then he's like okay bye since you're shady and don't hang out anymore, and I just said whatever bye and hung up. I'm not going to respond to his stupid shit anymore. I'm sorry that I have a life outside of him. I'm sorry that his girlfriend doesn't live close enough so he can bug her ass everyday to hang out and spoil him. I'm sorry that I've let him take advantage of me. I'm sorry that I have to be strong and won't deal with him anymore.
I was looking at Cat's journal and she talked about how things turned out all wrong this year, and I suppose I could say the same. I did all the things that I never would have done, not with Bobby in my life, but the fact is I had to live without him this year, and I made a lot of bad choices. Some would consider Mike and Jason bad choices, but I don't. I don't regret any time I spent with Mike because he made me so happy if even for such a short time, happy like no one else was able to do. I don't regret Jason. He is an amazing guy, and we have an amazing chemistry, but we don't really belong together, and if we do, it's not now. I don't regret much, but I do regret this whole thing with HIM. He doesn't know how to treat a person, and I don't have the time to teach him.
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| It's Been About Work |
| 11.19.03 (12:55 am) [edit] |
Everything has been about work lately. I went to work yesterday and everything that could go wrong at the station I was in, went wrong. After that though, things seem to just go GREAAAAAAAAAAT!!!!!! :)
Today I had Disney Orientation. I got there way early, and just as I got there so did Rubyluz. Rubyluz and I realized that we knew a lot of the same people and that we live near each other. So yeah, one new friend made from work! She even went with me so I could change parking lots..and then we bumped into Laura. Then Kyle came up, and we went inside and took our pictures and Tammy caught up, and finally Jairo showed up.
Orientation was really boring and sitting across from me at the table was some guy named BOBBY and he looked just like MIKE and it pissed me off. I don't know!!
So far I'm making some pretty cool chick friends and a couple of good guy friends, well I guess ONE because I already knew Kyle.
Work gets me sooo tired...
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| Now I'm ANGRY!! |
| 11.15.03 (12:47 pm) [edit] |
Have you ever played that crocodile game where you hit them on the mouth, and then after the round they scream out "NOW I'M ANGRY!!" and then they start coming out faster? Yeah, well that's how I feel.
Yesterday I was just irritated with the fact that my friends treat me the way they do, but after reading on Tricia's xanga...I'm mad. So she wrote about how she had to meet up with her group, and then she chilled with SOMEONE THAT SHALL REMAIN NAMELESS (because I just don't like her!!) and watched LOVE ACTUALLY. Okay, I'm mad because I called her yesterday with the intent to ask her if she wanted to watch it, but then thought that it might not be cool with the way she's trippin on love and stuff. She KNEW that I wanted to see it. It only said on my AWAY MESSAGE and I only mentioned it about a BILLION TIMES, but she went with HER. FUUCK THEM! I mean obviously I'm not as good a friend as SHE is...only wait..I'm the one who she would cry and bitch to about her family and when THAT GIRL wasn't there and was being a big biitch she would call me. When my cousin finally had the nerve to tell her that she's not been a very good friend, who did she cry to all night? Ohh yeah and what about the time her mom locked her out of the house on purpose..yeah. FUCCK being the reliable friend!
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| Too Cool? |
| 11.15.03 (1:56 am) [edit] |
Why does it feel like my friends are too cool for me? I mean, they always have something going on, and a lot of the time, I'm kind of just out there. I mean that's probably a result from not dwelling in just ONE group, which I always thought kept me pretty balanced.
So here I am, on a Friday night, with no plans. Rita asked Liz to go out with her, her sister, and her sister's friend. I don't know what's up with that, but Rita and I used to be so tight, but ever since that guy came into her life, she seems to blow me off every chance she gets. She used to call me all the time to talk or whatever, seems like she only called me because I was the one that would actually tote her ass around. She sure became my best friend when I got my license and would drive her around, but then all of a sudden I wasn't up for driving anywhere and everywhere, and she hasn't called me ONCE in the past month just to talk.
Tricia is so hiding something from me, and I pretty much know what it is, but I'm not going to prod and probe. It's like she wants me to ask and I won't. The only reason I asked in the first place was to be a good friend, but since she hasn't just told me straight out, I'm not going to ask because I really don't care that much. If she wanted me to know, then she would have told me right? Well she bailed on me today too. I asked her to hang out and she said okay after I meet with my group. She only called me because she needed to ask me a question and couldn't find her group. Did she call me at all after? Of course not!
Then there is Cat. She disappeared when I hung out with Mike. To cover up her negligence as a friend she blamed it all on Mike. She said she didn't hang out with me because of him. Well, now there is no Mike, and pretty much she only calls me so I can cover for her ass or save her. She does call me when she's waiting for whatever boy there is at the moment. Then she calls me so she can sound cool on the phone. She called me to ask me to call her at 12:30 to save her...and then she calls me at midnight, and she's like talking weird..and I want to ask WHY ARE YOU TALKING LIKE THAT? It's like she wants to look cool and sound sexy, it's just annoying.
It's like they keep me around because I'm so damn reliable. I'm reliable Kaylie, but maybe I shouldn't be reliable Kaylie. I keep putting everyone ahead of myself, I know should stop that to an extent. I'm so tired of this.
ON A BRIGHT NOTE...MITCHELL brought me a RANCID poster and stickers and fliers on Thursday.
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| Why Do We Fight? |
| 11.12.03 (11:31 pm) [edit] |
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Everytime we talk, he pisses me off, or we fight, and I can never tell if he's serious about it. I know I am serious when I fight with him. He had the nerve to call me ungrateful, he's the ungrateful one. I can't stand him sometimes! He ruins my days. He got mad because I wouldn't tell him what store I was working at. I did that so he wouldn't take his GIRLFRIEND in, and that would just piss me off at work, and I have to be happy and peppy and perky for work. He would just ruin my day.
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| Something is Missing.. |
| 11.10.03 (1:10 am) [edit] |
I feel like something is missing from my life. I'm missing that male companionship. I miss having someone that I can talk to all hours of the night. I miss having someone that can just make me smile just because it's him that I'm talking to. I miss that. I really do. I miss having someone that will hold my hand, and having someone hold me in their arms just because. I miss feeling protected and even for a second invincible.
I don't want to say I want a boyfriend because it makes me sound...I don't know...not really ready for a boyfriend..haha, but I guess that's kind of what I want. I mean I'm not sad because I'm without, and I know I don't need one, but having one would be nice. I get all lonely like once the holidays pop up. Mostly it's because I think about Bobby, Christmas always reminds me of Bobby. Oh well...
I figure, the reason why I always want Jason back is because, aside from the whole he was my first boyfriend thing, and the fact that he's hot, and when we see each other things are so good, and well everytime he kisses me it feels right, he gave me the best part of companionship, he was the friend and the boyfriend. He talked to me and we were great together, and he gave me all the boyfriend perks..and we thought we loved each other. It was so good with him then, but I don't know if it would be so good with him now, but when we kiss I still feel all the wonderful butterflies and stuff.
Isn't life just confusing yet wonderful?
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| I Got It!! |
| 11.08.03 (12:42 am) [edit] |
I got the job. I am so happy! I really wanted to get this job, and I totally thought that they weren't going to hire me because they hadn't called me. The guy said he was going to call for a second interview, a group interview, before the week was through because he was going to have orientation on Saturday. I waited and waited and finally gave up. I even told Tricia, "Err forget them!!" She dropped me off at home, and ten minutes later I got a call, and they offered me the job.
I'm going to be quite busy busy busy! Tomorrow I have orientation at 8AM. Sunday I have a store meeting at 7AM. Monday I have training 5-10. Tuesday I have DISNEY training, but they haven't told me what time. Wednesday I have training 5-10. Also, Thursday I have training 5-10. Quite the busy days I will be having. :D
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| Caved.. |
| 11.07.03 (3:11 am) [edit] |
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I caved, I picked him up. But I was doing pretty good. I hadn't seen him in NINE days. Well the day kinda reeked. He spent most of the time on his stupid cell phone probably talking to his girlfriend. It's like DON'T CALL ME to hang out if you're just going to be on the phone the whole time anyway. It's like he asked me to hang out just so I could drop him off at school. Then it looked like he was crying when he was on the phone, but when I asked him what was up, he said nothing, and denied that anything went down. I hate that! I just want to be the caring friend, but if you're not going to let me, then shit..I DON'T CARE!!
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| God, I Hope I Get It, I Hope Get It... |
| 11.03.03 (6:08 pm) [edit] |
That's actually from [i]A Chorus Line[/i] and so I'm not talking about getting a part in a show. I'm talking about my job interview today. It went well, but who knows if I got it. I won't be TOO disappointed if I don't get it. I just need the money.
So that's otays. Last night I went over to Liz's house and we had a rousing game of Phase Ten. It was quite fun. Yes, quite. I lost, but I always lose. That family is just crazy, and they've practically married me off to her brother...haha...how sad.
I talked to HIM yesterday, and he wanted me to pick him up to hang out, but I knew his GIRLFRIEND was down, so I was wondering why he wasn't hanging out with her, but it was probably because she had already left. He's shady, he'll call me and bitch that I don't call him when she's not here, but when she's here it's like I don't even exist. Then we talked online last night and he wanted me to pick him up so I could take him to my school so he could enroll for next semester, but I didn't want to because then he would expect us to hang out after and I had my interview. Then he just asked me to get him an application.
Ayyy it gets easier..but frustrating... :?
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| It's Getting Ugly.. |
| 11.02.03 (3:22 am) [edit] |
Things with the homegirls are getting ugly. It's hard because lately I've been needing some space from Rita. I was getting a lot of heat from her about me liking HIM, and I don't! Then she started jumping everytime her [i]friend[/i] would call her, you know canceling plans with me, not calling me because she's got stuff to do. I was getting kind of irritated, so I just decided to give it time.
Well, Liz and I decided to get foodage, and we got her to come along since her [i]friend[/i] was busy.
Things were going okay, I was a little bit colder than usual, not saying much, but it wasn't that bad. We tried to keep a typical conversation, but it was hard. She was so sprung on him, and for once it wasn't me who was thinking of other things. That wasn't so bad, but then she would make comments about things, and it would bug me. We were watching Cheaters and she kept making comments, and I'm getting kind of offended because I know what it's like to be cheated on and I know what it's like to be with someone who is cheating on someone and not know that they're cheating. She doesn't understand some things because she's never had a relationship with a guy, or anything remotely close to a relationship. It's so irritating because she thinks she knows, but she won't understand until she gets a boyfriend, or something.
She really irritated me when she made some judgemental comment about some guy with long hair. I turn around and realized that I knew the guy she was talking about. The guy is this really nice guy that I had a class with last semester and he went to my church, and she didn't even know him. I don't like when she gets too judgemental. I'm trying to be a better person and that's one of my things, to not judge people so much. Then it makes me wonder how she judges me. She probably sees me as a whore or whatever, because anyone who has sex must be bad, or whatever.
Anywho, I wasn't the one she really upset tonight, it was Liz. They started making comments, and they started playing dirty. Awkward silences galore, and I tried to get them to get off the topic, and it got so quiet, and I thought I was cold, but it got even colder. Crazy shiiit right there, because I've never really seen the two of them throw words at each other like that. It was quite an awkward ride home, dropping off Rita and then going to Liz's house. I don't know.
Things just get difficult.
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| Not about HIM..and now it's about Bobby |
| 11.01.03 (6:06 pm) [edit] |
I saw Bobby's sister and his nieces yesterday, and seeing them made me miss him so much. More so than usual. It's funny because I miss him everyday, and some days are easier than others, but it's around this time that it gets really really hard. His birthday is coming up next month, and I saw something that I would LOVE to give him, and my mom said it would have been good, and then she reminded me that he forgot my birthday. So I guess I'll just send him a card and an impersonal cash gift. He'll enjoy it more anyway because he is going to Vegas this year.
I had to recap to Nikki what my status was with him. It was so hard getting through the story. It was so hard to remember how much he deceived me, but also that he did it for the both of us. It hurts to remember how I found out about HER a week before my birthday. It hurts to realize that everyone had been lying to me and keeping it from me, his sisters, his mom, and him. It hurts to remember the first time I realized that it was real, when she was right in front of me, and she came to realize who I was. It kills me when I remember how he kissed her and held her in front of me, and I had to pretend that everything was GREAT. The stabs in my heart everytime that day replays in my mind. The pain that I know that he loves her. :cry:
Everything that they fight about, everything that makes him want to break up with her are things that I don't do. She's the kind of person who wouldn't allow him to talk to another girl, I'm not, he can talk to whoever he wants. She's the kind of girl that would fight with him at work, I would keep it to ourselves until we were at home. She's the kind of girl that gets everyone involved in her drama, and I'm the kind of girl who would just talk to him. His sister says they're on the verge of not being together, but they're always on the verge.
This Christmas I wish I could be with him, but I won't be, he'll be with her. She's so lucky and she doesn't even know. She takes it for granted that she has him, and I love him so much. I have loved him for so long, and it makes me so sad that he chose her. I wonder how he could possibly cheat on anyone with me, but he did, more than once, and I wonder. Then it makes me wonder how he could care about so much, but then choose someone else, someone he barely knew, someone who barely knew him.
I miss Bobby. :(
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| Just Pouring On The Guilt |
| 11.01.03 (1:36 am) [edit] |
Talking to him online, and he's just laying on the guilt. I never call him, I'm too busy for him, blah blah blah... It's times like this when I do feel bad. I read his journal earlier and he said that he was feeling down today and he was thankful that his friend was there for him, and it makes me sad that I wasn't that friend. I do feel guilty for that. I wonder why he was down, but I don't want to ask, because if he wanted to share, he'd share.
He tried the "I guess you were too cool to call me," and I used my "I figured you were busy" approach, which was true, but of course I had my own plans, but still, I assumed he was with GIRLFRIEND. So he was like "Why don't you call and find out if I'm busy." So he laid the guilt on real thick. He didn't even say anything after I said sorry. I'm like such a bad friend to him, but I'm scared to care for him more than I already do. I'll just end up hurt.
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