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| How To Spend New Years... |
| 12.27.03 (2:16 pm) [edit] |
Well it's definitely not going to work, but damn that's what I'm doing, I'm going to work. We're open until like 11 or 12 and I have work until 1. What a great way to spend the new year right? I don't know, but that blows.
I'm supposed to work with Laura, but I don't know who else. Well sucks to be me. :x
Christmas was quite the uneventful holiday, as usual.
My brothers pissed me off. One was supposed to go with us to church in the morning but he didn't, and he didn't even come over until late that night, and then the other one didn't even want to wait for my brother to come home to open presents. So my plan was all thrown off. Not like they care.
I have another grueling 8-2 shift. I have no idea why they like to give me the shit hours. That is like the worst shift to have on a Saturday night. I won't be getting home until damn near 3. Then tomorrow I close again. 3:30-12:00 which means not until 1. Monday 4:30-1:00 which means not until 2. Wednesday 6-1, which means not until 2, but it says soft close, so we may be out by 1..gasp. Then Saturday, another 8-2. What the hell? Why can't I get a mid shift for like a few days? Why do I get stuck with AWFUL shifts, and newer people are getting better ones?
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| Best Thing I Heard At Work... |
| 12.16.03 (10:57 pm) [edit] |
This is a "conversation" at work that made me want to laugh uncontrollably:
ME: Okay, put that heart against your heart, close your eyes, make a wish, and give that heart a big kiss. Go ahead and put it inside your animal.
GIRL puts the heart inside the animal.
GUY:So what did you wish for?
GIRL gives me the animal to stitch up.
GIRL: I'm not telling.
GUY: I know what you wished for! Did you wish that I was straight?
GIRL: Maybe.
GIRL kisses GUY on cheek.
OH HOLY SHIIT. That made my day.
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| SHIIT...That's Kinda How I Feel |
| 12.14.03 (10:22 pm) [edit] |
So, let's see I think I'm getting sick from all those little kids at work, and not to mention my already sick co-workers, which is not cool considering Christmas is coming up and I have two finals this week. I still can't seem to get along or even try to like that bitch that I work with. Last night as I was sitting on the tram with a few co-workers, all she could do was talk shit about everyone we work with. She's such a bitch. Just cause she's been there since June she thinks she can act like a royal bitch. All she did the whole ride to the parking lot and the walk through the structure was talk shit about people, I almost headed off to the stairs real quick to see if I could hear her talk about me.
Anyway, so it's Tricia's sister's 21st birthday today. Was I invited to her party? Of course not! Ever since Damion told me that she was telling him lies about me and trying to make me look like a slut, she's been avoiding me. To think that she thought I would never find out. I always find out! Well, anyway Damion is going to her party, which is pretty funny, but I don't know. We'll see how that turns out. I would call him, but since he got with Kathryn again, I don't want to make it look like I'm trying to get at him.
I haven't talked to Tricia in a good three weeks or so and it's not like she's tried to call me. I guess I'm just irritated because she was supposed to go with me to the Rooney concert, in fact I was supposed to get her the ticket for Christmas. We were even going to buy the tickets right after the Rooney video taping, but she went without me. Nothing out of the oridnary. She always does that.
Curita...I haven't seen or talked to her since I don't even know when. It sucks. I'm tried of the shit that's going on, and I can't do anything about it.
I mean at least I have some really good friends like Elizabeth. She's always there for me. I wish I had that really good guy friend still, but you take what you can get. I have Ken, who is a little young to understand what I'm going through, but I still love him like my little brother. I always thought HE would be a good friend, but all he does is drown in his sorrows and expects me to have sex with him whenever he wants.
On the bright side, I talked to sexy ex-boyfriend today for a few minutes. Other than that...I feel like shit.
:x :? :(
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| SHIIT...That's Kinda How I Feel |
| 12.14.03 (10:21 pm) [edit] |
So, let's see I think I'm getting sick from all those little kids at work, and not to mention my already sick co-workers, which is not cool considering Christmas is coming up and I have two finals this week. I still can't seem to get along or even try to like that bitch that I work with. Last night as I was sitting on the tram with a few co-workers, all she could do was talk shit about everyone we work with. She's such a bitch. Just cause she's been there since June she thinks she can act like a royal bitch. All she did the whole ride to the parking lot and the walk through the structure was talk shit about people, I almost headed off to the stairs real quick to see if I could hear her talk about me.
Anyway, so it's Tricia's sister's 21st birthday today. Was I invited to her party? Of course not! Ever since Damion told me that she was telling him lies about me and trying to make me look like a slut, she's been avoiding me. To think that she thought I would never find out. I always find out! Well, anyway Damion is going to her party, which is pretty funny, but I don't know. We'll see how that turns out. I would call him, but since he got with Kathryn again, I don't want to make it look like I'm trying to get at him.
I haven't talked to Tricia in a good three weeks or so and it's not like she's tried to call me. I guess I'm just irritated because she was supposed to go with me to the Rooney concert, in fact I was supposed to get her the ticket for Christmas. We were even going to buy the tickets right after the Rooney video taping, but she went without me. Nothing out of the oridnary. She always does that.
Curita...I haven't seen or talked to her since I don't even know when. It sucks. I'm tried of the shit that's going on, and I can't do anything about it.
I mean at least I have some really good friends like Elizabeth. She's always there for me. I wish I had that really good guy friend still, but you take what you can get. I have Ken, who is a little young to understand what I'm going through, but I still love him like my little brother. I always thought HE would be a good friend, but all he does is drown in his sorrows and expects me to have sex with him whenever he wants.
On the bright side, I talked to sexy ex-boyfriend today for a few minutes. Other than that...I feel like shit.
:x :? :(
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| HIM..Again |
| 12.10.03 (9:00 pm) [edit] |
Well, lets see, HE suspects that his girlfriend is cheating on him..and so he finally tells me, even though from various "sources" I pretty much knew. So he lets me in on this tidbit, and I'm trying to talk to him, and we were talking about how it happens, and I asked him if he's ever cheated, just a simple, honest question, and he told me that it was a dumb question. I totally forgot about the two of us. So anyway, he was getting weird talking about stabbing himself in the hand, and I told him not to. I asked him if he wanted me to come over so we could talk and he said yes, but then he said he wanted to just hang out and not think about it.
So I was going to take him to Disneyland and he really didn't want to go, so we ended up at my house to watch X2. Try as he might, I wouldn't touch him. I refused to touch him. He was trying to be fresh with me and make a move, but I wouldn't let him. URGH! He gets me so weird. I finally told him what I wanted to tell him, about him not getting his way and how someone should say NO to him.
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| Working With HER :x |
| 12.07.03 (7:21 pm) [edit] |
So I never mentioned it before but it turns out there is a girl that I'm working with, and it just so happens that when she was in high school, Mike tried to date her, or rather that's her story, I have no idea if they did date or what, but I could tell that she liked him. So ever since I had mentioned that I kind of dated him, she's been all weird and extra bitchy.
It's a given that I wasn't going to like her too much just cause of Mike, but then I figured she might be a nice person. Like at first Kristine didn't seem to like me, but then all of a sudden she and I are buds because she knows that I'm a nice person and yeah. So anyway, I tried not to think anything of this girl, and I haven't worked with her too much, but last night she gave me a reason to not like her. Simply...she's a BITCH!!
She's bossy and she's not even nice about it. She's demanding, and it's not like she's been there that long. Then she was like being really mean to some new girl and she had total attitude with her. Then after we all cleaned up and met together for a meeting, she started talking about two new girls that weren't there. Yeah, okay there were issues, but nothing that needed to be displayed like that. She's just rude.
Ugh...I can't deal with it.
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| Chrismukkah |
| 12.04.03 (2:46 am) [edit] |
Chrismukkah...my new favorite word..from THE OC. :D I don't particularly like the show, it's not my favorite, but it's nice to watch once in awhile, I'm not one of those people who has Adam Brody on their buddy icon. Anyway, I just thought that was something cute, knowing some people that do have that whole Chrismukkah thing every year.
So I've been reevaluating friendships, and I wonder how do you just cut people out without being the bitch? I mean they've given me reason to not want to continue being their doormat of a friend, so how do I go about from liberating myself without becoming some sort of antagonist in their views? Any ideas?
Sometimes I don't like this time of year because there is so much going on and I can't think straight. All I know is that I want next year to be better, I'm going back on the straight and narrow. No more bad girl behavior. It didn't leave me with any joy, and now I'm just trying to stop it all.
It's kind of early to be thinking about next year, but it's not. Next year I have a thousand and one things I would like to accomplish, and if I can accomplish at least a handful, I think I will be pleased with myself. So I suppose I can start my list.
-Family
My relationship with my family got better this year, kind of. I just want it to continue.
-School
I want to do great in school and get a lot out of it. I'm doing pretty good, but I want to be able to figure out what I'm going to do.
-Friends
I just need to cut out the bad ones, and don't let them come back to hurt me, because they will, they always do. Maybe make a couple of new ones.
-Weight
I've gained so much weight this year. It's all this unhappiness and whatnot. I just need to lose weight, or at least get myself to get in shape. I just want some sort of exercise regiment again.
-Room
My room is still the disaster area it was when Sara moved out. I need to fix it, so I have a place to be by myself, and to get away from it all.
-Singing
I need to start training a lot more, sing everyday. I need to strengthen my voice, and maybe join some sort of singing thing for school or church, just something that will help me get over this horrid fear of singing in front of large or small groups.
-Work
Even if I don't keep my job after the season, I would like to start tutoring. I like to work with children, which is why my current job is so cool, and I would like to keep it, but if not, I can turn to tutoring.
-Boys
As much as I would like to be in a relationship, or have something, I don't think I can deal with it. I have dealt with too many guys this year and I don't think that I should jump into anything.
-Drinking
I don't drink a lot, but I did drink a lot more this year than any other time, and I promised myself after October 11, 2003 I was not going to touch a drink. So far I haven't, and I plan to continue with that all next year, if need be, I will be the designated driver.
-Journals
I need to be consistent in my journals, including my real one that I never write in. I will start on that ASAP. As far as online journals go, I want to keep this one up, if not any other one.
-Writing
I need to continue to write my script, short stories, novels, and fiction. I haven't finished one thing. I would like to finish one project.
My list could go on for hours, but I won't continue. Those are the major points right there. Spending time with Elizabeth has helped me to realize who my friends are and who will be there for me. We both decided that my "Real friends are the ones who are there through the little things" theory is true, while we went shopping for gifts today.
Christmas List (Giving, not receiving)
Bobby's mom-Build A Bear
Megan-Build A Bear
Taylor-Build A Bear
Leann-Build A Bear
Dey-Radio
That's who I have so far. I haven't finished yet.
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| Is this conflicted? |
| 12.02.03 (11:08 pm) [edit] |
I feel so...um conflicted? No, I don't think that's the right word, but somewhere along those lines. Everything seems a little bit hazy and I don't know what I want. I feel like I'm not doing anything, but I feel like I don't have time for anything. I guess it's just been work. I'm there all the time, and so now I had today off and Wednesday and Thursday, then back on Friday and Saturday. I have no idea what my schedule is for next week though.
I really haven't talked to anyone in a long time except Elizabeth. I called her today while I was waiting to get my toes done, and I talk to Ken a bit, but no one else really. Everyone is caught up in their own thing, and I don't know how I feel about that. I guess I'm kind of lonely, but what can you do? I can only do so much, and why dwell on it? It's not fun being the convenient friend...so I QUIT!
A bunch of MIKE signs have been popping up and it scares me that it means I'm going to see him soon. I mean how would I deal with that? I don't think I would do well in that situation. I guess I won't know until it happens. If it happens.
I'm going to register for classes soon, and I have it all picked out and I'm all ambitious and want to take all these classes, but I'm scared I'm not going to have any time, especially if I have work. I'm trying not to stress on that, but I'm kind of excited to finish off this semester and start a new one. I need something new in my life.
I've been thinking, maybe that's why I've been jumping in and out of friendships and more than friendships this year. I'm trying to find something new that will make me content. I mean after that Bobby disaster, anything was going to be good. Then there was Mike, and that was exciting, and all the while Mr. Ex-Boyfriend starts to show up and I admit it...I liked having him around and feeling like he wanted me. I keep jumping in and out of these things because, a.) I was bored. b.) I needed something new. c.) I wanted to forget Bobby. d.) I wanted to be able to move on. I mean those guys were the ones I was involved with and then there are the new people I tried to hang out with, and that didn't prove to be all that successful. Alex and I don't talk anymore, it's weird when we do talk. I barely talk to Damion and I knew that I probalby wouldn't talk to him after a certain point. Then there's been the whole James thing. I haven't seen him in almost a month. As far as that goes, he's been busy, and everytime he's free, I'm not. It's something that we can't help.
I was thinking today...do I really want to forget Mike. Part of me does. It would be so much easier to refer to him as just a span of time...FEBRUARY to JUNE. That's it. It would be easy if those months were a blur, but they're not. I still have the scars on my heart to remind me of those months, but behind every scar is a feeling of love. I mean, it's true I was falling for him, and everything I felt was real. It's not something that is easy to forget. I hate that it can't be that easy, but with him nothing was ever easy. But are all good things easy? You kind of have to work a little for those good things. Sometimes things that you have to work for aren't meant for you.
On my way home from school...I was thinking. I had a lot on my mind, and well I came up with the conclusion...Real friends are the ones that are there for you through the little things...not the big ones. What I mean is that it's given that if they were there for the little things, they'll be there for the big ones, but of course if something big happens, everyone is going to try to play the friend and be there. The reason I bring this up is because my friend Michelle's dad passed away. After high school we drifted and I mean at some point I didn't even want to talk to her for various reasons, but when I saw her a few months back we talked and I realized why I considered her a friend. So now, her dad has passed away and I didn't get the chance to go to his funeral and honestly I don't know if I would have felt comfortable being there. Tricia ended up going, didn't even tell me, read about it in her blog, and that bothers me. Not that she went without me, maybe just the fact that she went. She is not her friend, she doesn't even like her, she's just playing the part. I don't like it when people aren't sincere. Maybe I'm a hypocrite, but maybe I know the truth. So maybe I'm saying that I'm not as true of a friend to Michelle as I should be. Maybe I'm saying I don't have very many real friends. I just don't know anymore.
Well...that's all for now
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