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| So Tired... |
| 01.28.04 (10:58 pm) [edit] |
My sleeping schedule is way out of whack, and I've been going to school, and then going to sleep. Well today, I had a good reason, my mom was driving me nuts. She was all pissed off because my brother was being stubborn and so she took it out on my other brother and me. I was like fuck that and so I went out with Liz to get her parking pass from school. We would have been home earlier if the girl drove the freeway, but she doesn't, so we were late, and when I asked my mom if she wanted to leave to pick up my brother's girlfriend, she snapped at me and said that I was too late, and I was like fuck it...so I left the room and went to sleep. I usually got to church on Wednesdays, but since she was being a major bitch, I went to sleep and didn't meet her there like I usually do.
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| Last Thing I Expected... |
| 01.26.04 (12:40 am) [edit] |
I started school last Tuesday, and I was rather scared that I would bump into Mike or Bobby. It was quite unlikely that they would be in any of my classes, but still I always have this fear. After Wednesday, the coast was clear, if they weren't in my classes on Tuesday and Wednesday, it was highly unlikely that they would be in my other two classes which are Beginning Voice and Astronomy Lab.
So I was pretty relieved after my American History class and I was walking to my car. What do I see? A truck...a very familiar looking truck. I thought to myself..nahh, no way. Bobby doesn't park in this lot, I've been parking here for a whole semester and he's only parked here once, to get his books. Then as I walked by, I saw that it really was his, it had the trademark dent that my dad had partially fixed. And he was parked maybe seven stalls away from me...jeezo...
Then the next day, after I had shaken off this whole Bobby thing, I went back to my lot, but I couldn't understand why I couldn't find parking, there was ALWAYS parking there. So after much frustration and asking GOD for a parking spot, I got out of that lot and headed over to 7 and I never park at 7. I circled for a good ten minutes, and decided to try 9. So as I exit 9, I turn my head and see FREAKING MIKE! What the heck? I never see him at school! NEVER!! Last spring, sure he used to take me to school, but I never saw him on campus. So as I'm agrivated that I see him, and I decide to be nice and send a text. I get that "Your message has not been sent, but we will try to send your message at a later time" message, which happened to me once before with Mike, and he got my message three times. So I'm sitting there in my car saying "SHIT! SHIT! He probalby got that message three times. SHIT!" and looking for a spot. I was already late when I just so happened to turn into the right lane, and wow, there's an empty spot. I almost passed it by, and I back up, as some girl is coming, and probably pissed off that I took the spot. So I get out of my car, and I look across to the next row. In that next row...I see it. I see Bobby's truck. SHIT!
Err...now that was the last thing I expected.
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| I [i]Like Him[/i] Like Him |
| 01.18.04 (3:36 am) [edit] |
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I have finally admitted it outloud, to myself, and to one other person that I [i]like him [/i]like him again. It's weird because I never thought that I would ever like him like that again, but I do. It's not a good thing. It really isn't, especially since I was so sure that we had already had our chance to be together, and it didn't work. The reality that he doesn't [i]like me[/i] like me sucks too.
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| Kat's Party... |
| 01.17.04 (4:45 am) [edit] |
Kat's Party was kind of a bust. I wasn't drinking, but everyone else was. I spent most of the night talking to Moses and watching him get trashed. There were a bunch of people that never talked to me during high school there, but all of a sudden they found me cool enough to talk to me. I never realized how annoyingly loud people who are already annoying loud can be when they're drunk. My cousin's boyfriend was so drunk. I have never seen him like that before. Things were going okay, but not especially great.
Matt finally came to complete the boys, and it was awkwardness, and I had a feeling I knew what it was. Matt's really cool, and I wanted to kick it more to talk to him and stuff, but I had to get home, and I ended up taking Moses home since Dan was too trashed to take him. Matt offered take Moses, but he wanted to ride with me. I owed him since the last time we saw each other, I was the drunk one and he took me home. Haha, so yeah we talked and well he confirmed my suspicions about the awkwardness.
Hmm...
Onto other news...EX-BOYFRIEND LAND...he's been talking to me a lot more lately, and it's weird. We're so on and off. He drives me nuts. He asked me about my Love life..and then I told him the truth...it was non-existent, and he said "hmm sounds familiar." What's that supposed to mean? I'm guessing he means that his love life is non-existent, but why was he telling me...why was he asking me? I wouldn't mind having another chance with him.
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| Drowning My Sorrows...In Gay Men |
| 01.14.04 (3:39 am) [edit] |
ME: Sorry if I'm being a little bitter, and not giving you any helpful responses. I'm a little out of it lately.
JOHN: Oh yeah me too. I was talking to her yesterday on the phone and I said "SHIT...I forgot to see Kay"
ME: Yeah, I was thinking about that too.
JOHN: Yeah
So the deal is...JOHN just completely forgot about me, while he was on this side of the country because of some chick. I'm like supposed to be one of his best friends, but he just forgot about me, and so I guess that's why I cried. Thank GOD this conversation was online, and not on the phone.
So as I sat their crying, emotionally distraught, I went to the aid of Ryan. So the two of us decided to go to our common work place and enjoy the night during our day off. We sat and we bitched about boys and how we wanted boyfriends, and sad to say he's getting more action than I am. So after we spent too much money for dinner, including a SUDDEN DEATH BROWNIE, we met up with his two friend. The three of us decided to go sit in front of the fire in the hotel and we just talked. So three guys and a girl in front of a fire..too bad they were all gay. It was fun and they were making me laugh. I love those guys!
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| What Makes An Ex So Desirable? |
| 01.11.04 (2:56 am) [edit] |
I've been thinking a lot lately, and a lot of it has been about Jason. I mean there's so much to think about in our weird twisted "relationship." I mean here take a look at our "relationship..."
By relationship, I do not mean those dismal few months we were together when we were barely in high school.
It all started as a joke on September 15, 2002. The only reason I remember that day was because my friends and I were doing my video shoot and Ariel was there. My mom had told Ariel he should invite Jason to my party. It was a joke. Then I gave in and said why not. It wouldn't hurt to ask.
A couple of days after that I talked to Ariel online and he told me that he asked Jason and he said he couldn't go because of some football game. I shrugged it off and asked him if he could just say hi for me. All of a sudden, Ariel tells me that he gave Jason my sn and he would IM me in a few seconds. The conversation is nice and light, he has a fiance and I have a boy (the love of my life) and we are both happy. No regrets except not staying friends, but at the point where we are at...we don't want each other. We still know each other really well and that's all.
The next day we talk again. I'm scanning pictures into my computer and he asks to see the pictures. All of a sudden he's so shocked because I've "grown up" a lot. He says things that a boy who has a fiance shouldn't say to someone else, especially his ex-girlfriend. We talk about how he might transfer to my school and I said that it would be cool to have a friend there, and he says it would be good just as long as we didn't fall for each other. Falling for him was the last thing on my mind. He lets me know that he can't make it to my debut, but maybe some other time. I respond with okay sure and he goes on to read my mind and says that he thinks that I don't think we will. I quickly reply with a nonchalant answer about him being busy. Then he makes a comment about making time when time needs to be made. He asks me when I'm gonna be around his area and I say I don't know and then he tells me maybe I shouldn't have sent him pictures of me because he keeps opening them and realizing how grown up I am. I'm thinking,[i] well it's been four years since you've seen me, jeez.[/i] Then he says he'll send me a picture of himself, I'm sure to see what I think. I open it and wow, he's a hottie. I let him know that I think he's cute and then we talk about how we're getting older and he says that we should have met when we were 17 and 16, probalby because it would have given us a better chance with each other. He slips me his cell phone number and I give him mine. Then he sent me a text message in our little pager code thing that we used to do. It said he was thinking of me and that he missed me. I was a little shocked, but I did kind of miss him too, so I sent him a text too. We kind of talked about our relationship and our break up. Then he was telling me how we used to always have nice conversations. Then he was like telling me that he was trying not to sound flirty but he couldn't help it. Then he said he didn't want to sound too forward but he wanted to know when we could see each other. Then he asked me the weirdest question...HOW SERIOUS WAS I WITH MY BOY...It was weird...then we talked about other guys I was with.
After that I was weighing my options and realized that I shouldn't be weighing anything since he had a fiance and I had my boy. I put it all behind me, until my boy broke my heart. I don't know why but the first person I went running to was Jason. I sent him a text and he called me and he tried to calm me down. He called me later that day too and we had a nice talk and he made me laugh and smile.
We talked on and off after that and he shocked me when he asked to see me. We talked about how we were nervous to see each other. Then he toyed with the idea of me having to pretend to be his girlfriend. We talked more about love and he wanted to make me forget about my boy. It was really weird.
So we saw each other and we just sat in the same place where we first met and we talked for a couple hours. We bumped into people we knew. He was telling me about how he kind of didn't want to be engaged and there were things he gave up for his girl. He was having major doubts and stuff. It was kind of awkward, we ended up not hanging out for long and he took me home.
Things got all weird after that and we talked on and off, but not too much. He got too busy with work and I got too busy with my own pain and stuff. We talked about stupid stuff and it got kind of old.
When I started hanging out with Mike, Jason wasn't really on my mind. One night I was getting hammered with Mike and he had just kissed me and I was all confused about that. I happened to be online and was talking to him and I was telling him about Mike and he was worried that I was out and he offered to come pick me up and take me home.
A week later the two of us talked and he was asking if I wanted to go out. He picked me up and I asked him about his fiance and he said they weren't really together at the moment and when I asked why he said she cheated on him. We went over to his place and we talked a little and then that turned into kissing. I couldn't believe how good it felt to be with him, to be in his arms, and to feel his kisses.
The next few days got weird and I don't know if he was trying to hook me up with his friend, but his friend started talking to me online. He was telling me that Jason was through with me and that Jason didn't want me and I was nothing to him. It pissed me off because I felt like he was pimping me off to his friend. I told Mike and they had a talk and I ended up fighting with Jason and I shut him out of my life.
After Mike left my life, I felt like I messed up when I lost Jason. I decided to apologize and I sent him an e-mail. He also apologized and the two of us were back on track. I sent him a card on his birthday. We talked a little bit but not much.
One day we were talking and then he started talking to my friend. He got really really really mad at her because he doesn't understand her humor, and then he got mad at me.
He got over that real quick and another time we talked he tried to get me to come over, knowing exactly what would happen if we saw each other. I resisted for a whole week, and then finally I gave in and decided to see him. I went over to his house and we talked and then we kissed and did something we never did when we were together. We talked about how he didn't like my friend and why he got mad at me that day, and it was because I defended her. He told me about his promotion that day and we just talked. It was nice.
Since then we haven't seen each other but we've talked a lot, and I still think about him all the time. There was more to this, but I can't really think...it's getting late. If I can think of what I was saying...I'll come back...
But what is it about my ex that makes me want more? It's not just that he looks like Chad Michael Murray. There's more. Then I wonder sometimes...why did God bring him back into my life? There has got to be a reason..and I wonder if we're supposed to have another chance.
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