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| I SHOULD Be Happy For Him |
| 04.26.04 (9:47 am) [edit] |
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So I think Jason, the ex-boyfriend has a new girlfriend. I really should be happy for him, since he hasn't been with anyone seriously since Danielle. I should be happy for him, but it kind of makes me sad. Maybe it's because we're kind of like each others back ups. Now that he has someone else, he definitely won't need me. It's kind of a selfish feeling and it's not because I really expected us to be together again, because let's face it, that was a really long time ago, and all we really have now is physical stimulation. When we first started talking, he was engaged with Danielle and I was HAPPY for him. Although I was probably happy for him because I hadn't seen him in three years, and I was incredibly happy, or thought I was incredibly happy with Bobby. I don't know. I'm a terrible person.
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| The Hardest Thing... |
| 04.20.04 (8:01 pm) [edit] |
The hardest thing to deal with is seeing the love of your life and knowing that you are no longer a part of their world, knowing that when they look at you, you're just another face. Having to accept that I'll never be a part of his life the way I want to be, hurts more than I can imagine.
It gets easier everyday, but at the same time it doesn't. Seeing him today was definitely a shock, and it made me realize how much I missed having him in my life. He was my best friend for so long, and now we barely see each other. I don't want to be scared to see him, that's not something I want to feel. I want to feel that excitement when I see him. I don't want to be scared of what he'll say or what he won't say. I don't want to be scared that he'll ignore me. I think we may be taking baby steps towards a friendship.
I was quite surprised when he walked me to my class today, it felt like old times, but then it wasn't. We refrained from speaking about what used to be us, we refrained from speaking about his girlfriend and my messed up relationships with the past few guys. It was just about us this time. I liked that. I wish that I had told him how much I missed being his friend, but I was just caught up in the moment and it hurt so much to have to say goodbye and watch him turn that corner, and not be sure when I would see him again.
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